Fw: FW: Answering Machines

From: Yee Han Chaung (yeehan@bluep.com)
Date: Fri Jan 29 1999 - 18:47:29 PST


Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 13:47:29 +1100
From: "Yee Han Chaung" <yeehan@bluep.com> (by way of panther@bluep.com)
To: cp@opus.hpl.hp.com
Message-Id: <aabcdefg268$foo@default>
Subject: Fw: FW: Answering Machines


>> > > ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
>> > > =======================================================
>> > > "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
>> > > you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
>> > > soon as we're finished."
>> > >
>> > > "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
>> > > phone right now, because we're doing something we really
>> > > enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down. I like doing it left
>> > > to right, real slowly. So leave us a message. When we're
>> > > done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
>> > >
>> > > "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
>> > > why we're not here. So leave a message at the beep."
>> > >
>> > > "Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already
>> > > sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money.
>> > > If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
>> > > enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If
>> > > you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
>> > >
>> > > A narrator's voice)
>> > > "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
>> > > telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
>> > > maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it,
>> > > his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
>> > > in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell
>> > > hath sounded. Thou must leaveth a message."
>> > >
>> > > "Hi. Now you say something."
>> > >
>> > > "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
>> > so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
>> >
>> > > "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
>> > >
>> > > (From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
>> > > "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon.
>> > > If you leave SEXY message, I call sooner!"
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
>> > > refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
>> > > message to myself with one of these magnets."
>> > >
>> > > "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine
>> > just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking
>> > > her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave
>> > > your message, just hold it up to the phone."
>> > >
>> > > "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
>> > > receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
>> > > windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They
>> > > give to charity through the office and don't need their
>> > > picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
>> > number and they will get back to you."
>> >
>> > > "This is not an answering machine...this is a telepathic
>> > > thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
>> > > name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
>> > > reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
>> > >
>> > > "Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
>> > like. Leave me a message. If I don't call back, it's you."
>> >
>> > > "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
>> > > now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I
>> > > call you back."
>> > >
>> > > "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
>> > > our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
>> > > Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave
>> > > us a message."
>> > >
>> > > "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
>> > > feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your
>> > > willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you
>> > > hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
>> > > your name, number, and a message."
>> > >
>> > > "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
>> > > Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and
>> > > stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will
>> > > be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
>> > > thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
>> > > charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
>> > > professional extortionists will contact you in the near
>> > > future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
>> > > arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
>> > cearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
>> >
>> > > "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
>> > > remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and
>> > > will be used by us for profit."
>> > >
>> > > Thoughts become actions. Actions become habit.
>> > > Habit becomes character.
>> > >
>> > > AND THE QUOTE FOR THE DAY...
>> > > "Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > Alcoa of Australia Ltd ACN 004 879 298
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > >
>> > >
>



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