Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 17:45:59 -0400 From: "Paul V. McCullough" <pvmcull@voicenet.com> To: cp@opus.hpl.hp.com Message-Id: <aabcdefg2679$foo@default> Subject: Introducing the cactus to the bog!
The following is satire. For the pathologically humour impaired, please
skip to the next item on the list...
I have decided to attempt a planting of cactus in my state's
protected bogs... here's what I'll do:
12:00 (midnight) August 1st, I'll remove the prickly bear from our
kitchen window sill.
12:10-12:15 am, remove prickly bear needles from my hands... should
be more cautious.
1:00 am August 1, drive to nearest bog. Whoops, forgot the mutt
cactus! (Home Depot, naturally...)
2:00 am August 1, arrive (again!) at nearest state bog. Sneak past
the heavily armed guard towers (This IS New Jersey, after all...) while
juggling a flash light, a can of "OFF", one prickly bear in tasteful
adobe planter, and one mutt cactus in plain orange plastic cup. Spend
15 minutes removing more needles from hands... maybe prickly bear wasn't
best choice for this mission!
2:10 am Cut barbed wire, and swim crocodile infested mote
surrounding Natural Bog. As I climb onto dry soil I duck quickly as
search lights sweep over- a frog has leapt out of the bog creating a
noise! The search lights find him and within seconds (and only a few
feet from me!) machine gun bullets (from the guard towers) pin the
hapless beast to the ground. The frog's last words, a chilling
"Budd...". I wonder what it meant?
2:15 am Still shaking.
3:00 am Slither to the final barrier separating me from the CP bog.
A three meter high (9' to 10'? As if anyone in the US will ever adopt
the metric system... sheesh!) electrified fence. Fortunately the
electricity has been cut by Governor Whitman's budget balancing...
YIKES! No, it hasn't!!!
3:30 am still blowing on hands and trying to get my hair back under
the knit cap. One good effect, the prickly bear has been denuded of all
needles.
3:45 am kick plug out and deactivate electric fence.
4:00 am finally get enough courage to touch fence. No
electricity... confidence comes back. I decide to use the handy gate to
get into the bog.
4:05 am I hear the quiet snoring of CP. Obviously it's the
Sarracenia Purpurea. They always snore. (Deviated septums are common to
this pitcher plant) Sundew's are snoring, too- but you need to get your
ear practically on top of them to hear it.
4:10 am dig a hole in the bog after making sure no CP are in that
spot. I also make sure the spot is particularly wet as cactus' love
water. After putting both cactus into the same hole (to avoid the
loneliness that often kill cacti, along with under-watering) I spray the
surrounding area (out to 3'... a meter) with military grade defoliant.
I then stomp down any surrounding growth. After watering the cacti with
three more gallons of water (Distilled, of course!) I plant a bar of
soap next to them. Cacti can't get enough alkalines. Dial Golden soap
bars (with the extra deodorant protection) work best! Don't do this to
CP... they like battery acid.
5:30 am Whew! First meager streamers of dawn start to light the
sky. I quickly make my way back to my crime-mobile. I smile as I see
the introduced cacti sinking happily into the sphagnum. I drive home
and go back to bed, satisfied in the knowledge that someday soon, a
botanist happening on this bog will say, "What the ... ?!?" Always keep
them guessing.
Cheers,
Paul
PS- None of this is going to happen. Just kidding. Put down that
mouse. Cheer up. Life's good. Most of the "facts" above are untrue.
Especially the cactus/water issue. I neglected to say that cactus grow
best in ice. They are indigenous to Antarctica. Would I lie?
-- Paul V. McCullough "3D Animation World" http://www.voicenet.com/~pvmcull "CP Page" http://www.voicenet.com/~pvmcull/pics/cp/carniv.htm
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